Exploring Oneself

It just occurred to me that I have been posting a lot recently about music, writing, spirituality, and the like. I'm supposed to be rough and tumble hard-core mining engineer!

Haha. The reality is that I've never been that. Frankly I think the mythos that went with being a so-called hard-core mining engineer disappeared back in the 90's, although some of the old school still hang onto it. My old boss Bruce being one.

Me though, well I'm a complicated human being. And lately I have been a compromised one. Compromised by my inability to control my emotions. Is that due to giving up smoking? I wouldn't have thought so. One, because I vape a bit here and there instead. And two, well I gave up because I well and truly wanted to, and was ready to. So I am not stressed because of that reason. Not outwardly anyway. Perhaps inside my little brain things are not so content with my decision, who knows.

No, I say compromised because I have been an angsty stress-head of late, and taking it out on those I love the most. Yeah being a parent to three young kids has its issues, and yes they do test you, time and time again. But recently, most poignantly on our recent trip to KL, it has been harder for me to deal with it. I have always been on the tough side with the kids, and quickly use a stern tone of voice if they start playing up. But on that trip it was more than that. It was angry, uncontrolled, and frankly, almost hateful. At least when I think back on it. Not the whole day mind you. It was just I didn't deal with the stress of the day very well at all. Hey we've done this before, many times actually. It's never easy, and sometimes an angry word or two is needed, but I was just a prick the other day.

My biggest critic, as I'm sure it is for most people, is myself. It always has been. I know my wife understands me and my foibles. But for my kids? I don't want them to associate me with anger. I want them to associate me with love. Discipline, yes. Respect, yes. But not anger. I spoke to all three of them before we parted ways that evening. I think it was all good. But I know in the moment, all three of them were not happy with my angry approach.

Nobody is perfect, and I don't ever plan to be. But I can do better. I need to do better. I need to follow my own advice, and think before I act or speak. Haha, it's so much easier to give advice than follow it. What's the old saying? "Do as I say, not as I do". Wow, didn't think that would apply to me, ever.

But it does. I need to act more so that doing as I do will be a sufficient example to follow. I love them all so much, so that's not the problem. Maybe I need to love myself more. I do definitely need to slow down a little, learn to live in the moment, learn to accept what is, and choose to be happy.

My advice is awesome. You should follow it!

So should I.