You know what? Sometimes that can be me. This week I have had a dark cloud above my head for much of it. Driven by our poor July results at work, which I own, and I do feel reflect on me somewhat. Look I know I'm not perfect. I know I fuck the dog a bit, I know I don't go hard for each and every of my 60 hours in a week. But I am constantly working, constantly thinking about work. I work to some degree, every single day. So when we were $2.4m behind budget in the first month of F24, I wore that, and I wore it hard. I had, and still have, given myself until the end of Q1 to turn this around. If not I am going to resign.
Sometimes when things are not going well, I have what I call catastrophic thoughts. I have noticed this tends to be more of an issue when I am alone. For instance I avoided people this week, until I couldn't any longer. On Monday I had my eyes checked and bloods done, then hit the road to Leeton. We had the weekly GMT on Zoom, which I did from my unit for the sake of expediency - at least that was my message. The truth was I had no interest in going to the office. On Tuesday morning I did go into the office, and sort of perched around the place, as I don't have my own room. My team and I caught up briefly, then they had a meeting. I took that opportunity to hightail it out of there and come back to my unit in town.
Later that week it improved, and I noticed that spending time with people helped. I have since observed similar situations crop up a few times - mostly at Milbrae, but not all. I just have this constant feeling of being overwhelmed, and not wanting to deal with some things. Last week I got an irate call from one of my reports, regarding another team member. He had some grounds for being grumpy, but could have and should have handled it a lot more professionally. Instead he vented and threatened to leave, again. I really struggled with that. I enjoy interactions with people, even on difficult topics, when we're all engaged and behaving properly. But people who don't make it bloody hard for me. It essentially ruined the rest of my week.
Of course, that is but a symptom at the moment. Normally one such event would not throw me off for days, but such is my current fragile state of mind. I am also quietly shitty that I got a poor pay rise this year, only 2.5%. Ok, so I am paid well to begin with, but it's what this represents that annoys me. As in, only rewards for the bottom line, not so much for the effort in managing a massive and difficult job.
Yesterday - and apologies, as usual this post is spanning some days - I had another revelation. I know I am prone to self-destructive behaviour from time to time, be it actual or mental, and I have sometimes wondered if the behaviour begets my state of mind, or if my state of mind begets the behaviour. In any event, after reaching rock bottom earlier this week, I have felt a little better, and am determined to do better. Not so much in terms of work performance, but in terms of looking after myself, making good decisions, and loving my family. I am utterly determined to do all those things. Whether or not that means a change of scenery and job is required remains to be seen, but I do have a sense of calm that I know how I need to manage myself for once.
Footnote: After this horrible monthly result in the P&L, at the end of the FY, we ended up beating budget by $80k overall. A huge result, and a timely reminder that one swallow doesn't make a blue movie (thanks for that old axiom Alex McCulloch!).
ReplyDeleteSecond Footnote: Here we are, a year later, and I am still experiencing the same things. I have been desperately unhappy at work, and frankly, had some poor moments in life too. For some reason, I convince myself that change is needed, but as was the case after the weekly GMT yesterday, spending time with the GMT makes me feel better, keeps me aligned, and gives me positive thoughts. I really need to focus on that a bit more, and use that knowledge to manage my feelings more than I have in the past.
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