Words Mean Little

That they do. Actions speak louder, so the saying goes, and it is an apt one.

I need to take heed of my own words too, and put the actions behind them that do give them meaning.

I have numerous key relationships in my life, where my example is important, and where sometimes I am guilty of the more shitty phrase, "do as I say and not as I do". Those relationships are with my wife, my children and my team. 

It says something about me as a person that I have had this post in draft for a few months now, and have recently begun another post along similar lines. I have stress, anxiety and anger issues, and I don't hold myself to the same standards that I hold others to. This is a problem, and has always been a problem.

What do I do? I want to give my kids the best start possible in life. I want to help mold them into decent human beings. I want them to understand that life is often not fair, and that is ok. I want them to know that they are loved unconditionally, and that they are the centre of my universe. I also want my wife to know the same. I want her to feel valued, I want her to feel loved, and I want her to feel she has her own voice, equal to mine. I also want to be a leader and manager worthy of respect, and worthy of my title. I am here in this job for two reasons largely - one, to provide stability for my family, and two, to get me to the finish line of retirement. Being a successful professional engineer and manager doesn't seem to figure that highly. This is a problem.

Of course I want to be good in all these areas. I also want to be healthy enough to enjoy life, to be present for my family and colleagues, and to hang around for another 20-30 years. Yet I struggle. I make dumb decisions. I waste money. I do things that make me hate myself. Yet often I feel like I am simply a bystander in someone else's play. What the fuck is that about? I need to take control, I need to take a breath, and I need to take stock of what I have in front of me here and now. I am a blessed and gifted individual, loved and respected by those close to me. Don't fuck that up David. Be proud of yourself, don't be soo hard on yourself, but do hold yourself to account, and do stop to think before you act. My example is hugely important.