Anger Management

This is something that is important to me. No, that's not worded strongly enough. This is something that is crucial to me. I need to do better in this area. I simply can't afford to continue to react angrily to my family - yes sometimes I need to communicate negative responses, that's part of life. But I need to do it in a way that doesn't push people away, it's just too easy to snap and either yell or make angry remarks.

I keep telling B and Babs that how they react - how they get angry at each other - how they wake up grumpy in the morning - is their choice, not their reaction or their reality to whatever situation or feeling they find themselves confronted with. It is their choice. Equally though, it is my fucking choice too. How I react that is. And of course, those two beautiful little men, well they model themselves very much on the example put in front of them on a daily basis. So I have to do better, not just for me, and my relationships, but for them - my children, and the example I am setting for them as they navigate through their early life and early relationship choices.

I think the photo is poignant. Reason being is that the problem with anger is not just how it makes you feel, or the poor example it sets for others. It pushes others away. And you can only push someone away so many times before that gap, that distance, becomes something akin to permanent. You've heard the term "drift apart" when it comes to relationships, I am sure. Well, confronting a loved one with a negative emotion that they won't like, is more like pushing apart, rather than drifting. But the outcome is the same. I am in a situation now, where I worry that this is exactly what I have done. My question to myself, and soon to my loved one, needs to be, is this recoverable? Far out man, I truly hope so.

It's a bit of a fucking merry-go-round for me unfortunately. I get all zen, all focussed, all productive, planning and well-meaning. That is good for a while. Then I build momentum and feel good about how much I am getting done. But then, and always, I find that I struggle to maintain this, I get overwhelmed, I get stressed, I erode my fuse. Then, like it did a couple of weeks ago, you can throw in a nice little spicy factor, such as a toothache, and I am primed once again. Like a booster with a detonator in it, all I need is a spark, and BOOM! Off I go. Except instead of doing something productive, such as breaking rocks, like a real booster does, what I do is break hearts and bonds. I, like my own dad, cool down super fast, and sometimes wonder why others seem to hold grudges, or maintain distance. But it's each to their very own of course, and I need to be mindful of what makes others in my inner circle tick. 

Yes, relationships are a 2-way street. But I can't control what others think, or feel, or do. All I can control is what I think, feel, and do. I need to do a better job of leading by example, especially in my inner circle, which are really the only people that matter to me. Of course there are others, but these four are what make my world go round. I simply must do better. Is that going to be with therapy, with reading, meditation, taking walks, who knows. I guess there are many ways of approaching it. I think first and foremost, I need to open up and talk. I can't afford to lose any more of this precious thing that is my family. I love them all too much, and they are all too important to what makes me tick.

Footnote: It would appear that this is a case of too little, too late. I don't know what I am going to do.

Footnote2: We talked it out today, and have renewed commitment to each other and our family, so all good. I am very thankful.